


i'll be out of reach for a while

by certifiedclown



Category: The Last of Us
Genre: Bonding, Character Study, Family Feels, Father-Daughter Relationship, Found Family, Gen, Injury Recovery, Isolation, Major Character Injury, Missing Scene, Oneshot, Post-Apocalypse, Survival, Wilderness Survival
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-19
Updated: 2020-03-19
Packaged: 2021-03-01 02:55:23
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,253
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23208103
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/certifiedclown/pseuds/certifiedclown
Summary: It's hard, she finds, to keep fighting when you're alone - that is, it's hard to find the drive to fight when you're alone. And she'd thought she knew what it meant to be alone - what it felt like to be the only one left - but she knows now that she really hadn't. Because before, when she had felt like that, she'd still been surrounded by people - other kids and military officers - and even though she ached because Riley wasn't there anymore - because Riley had left her - she still hadn't been completely alone.But now, with Joel shivering from fever, his gut stabbed through, the wound swollen and inflamed - is it infected? is that why it's so red? will he live? - she knows she'd never truly been alone until now.Callus eases the pain it causes, but he's only a horse - and a horse can't truly be there for her. And Joel is dying.Ellie's alone now and it's hard to keep fighting.But Joel's still breathing - for all that it looks like he shouldn't be - so she keeps fighting.Because as long as he's still breathing, there's a chance that he'll wake up and Ellie won't be so alone anymore.
Relationships: Ellie & Joel (The Last of Us)
Comments: 6
Kudos: 69





	i'll be out of reach for a while

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Surviving Kind of Sucks](https://archiveofourown.org/works/12949479) by [Wicked42](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Wicked42/pseuds/Wicked42). 



It's hard, she finds, to keep fighting when you're alone - that is, it's hard to find the _drive_ to fight when you're alone. And she'd thought she knew what it meant to be alone - what it felt like to be the only one left - but she knows now that she really hadn't. Because before, when she had felt like that, she'd still been surrounded by people - other kids and military officers - and even though she ached because Riley wasn't there anymore - because Riley had _left_ her - she still hadn't been completely alone.

But now, with Joel shivering from fever, his gut stabbed through, the wound swollen and inflamed - is it infected? is that why it's so _red?_ will he live? - she knows she'd never truly been alone until now. 

Callus eases the pain it causes, but he's only a horse - and a horse can't truly be there for her. And Joel is _dying_.

Ellie's alone now and it's hard to keep fighting.

But Joel's still breathing - for all that it looks like he shouldn't be - so she keeps fighting.

Because as long as he's still breathing, there's a chance that he'll wake up and Ellie won't be so alone anymore.

* * *

It's hard, getting Joel out of the University and deeper into the city - she's knows it's stupid, but she's too scared of the woods, the dark shadows and the unknown sounds, she's never been in them before, never at night and she finds she doesn't want to without Joel there to make her feel safe - and she almost gives up, but she _can't_. Because Joel's still breathing and she can't let him die.

So she keeps leading Callus deeper into the darkening city, walking beside him with her flashlight out - she's thankful Infected can't see light anymore - as the sun slowly sets behind them, gripping Joel's jacket tight in her fingers, forcing him to lean against Callus' neck so he won't fall again - he can't be jostled too much, something in the back of her head whispers, it'll disturb the wound and he'll lose more blood. 

And when she spots a mall in the distance - a tall, looming, familiar building that makes her chest ache - she almost sobs in relief because it's snowing now - it'd come on so suddenly and so viciously that she'd cried out in surprise before snapping her mouth shut, cursing herself for making unnecessary noise - and that isn't what Joel needs right now - already a fever has settled in and the snow is only making it worse.

Ellie ignores the painful familiarity of the mall and guides Callus inside, navigating through the dilapidated building as quickly as she can while leading a nervous horse - the darker it gets, the more sounds they both hear, the wider his eyes get and she knows what will happen if the whites begin to show, she can't afford to lose him. So she soothes him as much as she can and makes for a shop on the ground floor - the closest one she can find near the exit that has a working shutter door, pulling Callus inside before pulling the door down behind them.

She leaves Joel on Callus, trying the reigns around him to keep him firmly on the horse before searching the store. She doesn't find much of anything truly useful - the place has been picked clean - but she does find a closet full of blankets. She takes them - they're only slightly dusty and after a good shake they're as nice as the ones back in Boston, which isn't saying much, but it's not nothing - and folds two of them into a makeshift mattress for Joel, setting the other aside. Ellie won't be needing one.

She turns back to Callus and sets to pulling the reins away from Joel's body, moving slowly and carefully as she does, ignoring her numb, blood-stained fingers. Once it falls away, she pulls Joel off of Callus as gently as she can, but she's only so strong and Joel's so much larger than her, and that makes it that much harder to smoothly transfer him to the blankets. But she manages, using her legs as pillars as she slowly eases him off of Callus' back and onto the pallet.

It's time-consuming and it makes her legs shake and her arms burn, but she does it, wiping the sweat from her brow with the upper bit of her jacket sleeve once he's settled in. He shivers and she's sorely tempted to throw the blanket over him and place an arm over his chest, laying beside him, offering what little body heat she can without disturbing his injury, hoping for the best as they weather through it together. But she can't leave his wound untended for much longer.

So she pushes herself to her feet and searches the place again - only this time she lets her desperation fuel her, searching more intensively than she ever has before, checking every nook and cranny of the store. And she almost weeps when she forces a drawer open with her switchblade, eyes blurring at the sight of duck tape. She snatches it with greedy fingers and rushes back to Joel, her knees colliding with the concrete floor harshly in her haste, relieving herself of her backpack in the process.

"I'm gonna take a quick look, okay, Joel?" Ellie says, mostly to fill the silence that's settled over them - Joel's still breathing, but he isn't whimpering anymore and she almost misses it. She moves his blood crusted jacket out of the way and pulls his soaked shirt up gingerly, wincing at the large, bloody hole in his abdomen - it's still gushing blood. "Shit, okay, okay, okay - Joel, c'mon, move on your side."

She talks to him as she rolls him over, digging an old shirt - a clean one - out of her backpack, placing it on his wound, watching the faded material turn an alarming shade of red as it soaks up the oozing blood, using the duck tape to secure it tightly before pulling his shirt down over it, gently pushing him to lie on his back once more. He barely reacts and Ellie closes her eyes, pressing the heels of her hands against her eyelids as she pulls herself together.

"I'm gonna go outside for a little while," she tells him, sniffling, pulling her hands away from her face to throw the blanket over him - the thickest one - before she pulls her backpack back on, kneeling over him, checking his pulse - a steady, slow thing - and breathing before rising to her feet. "I'm gonna see what I can find, yeah? I'll be back in a flash, I promise."

She turns to leave after those words - incredibly thankful that the lock and key to the door had been hidden away in the employee-only room - hesitating after she's crawled underneath the shutter, her knuckles white from the force of her grip on it as she lowers it steadily. 

"I'm leaving Callus with you," she tells Joel, her eyes flickering to the horse. "Watch him for me, okay?"

And with that, she closes the door - as quietly as she can - hooking the lock on it, using the key to ensure it stays before turning away from it and slipping it into her pocket.

And the mall is still too painfully familiar, but it's missing the aura it had once held - the one that made her heart flutter in her chest like those hummingbirds in her old artbook and her stomach clench with a sudden influx of nerves.

It's missing _Riley._

And Ellie's more than a little lost - and she's more than a little enraged. It's those men's fault that she's in this mess, that Joel's injured and in danger like he is, that she's in another mall filled with Infected, all alone and not at the same time, kept company only by the memories it brings her.

And as she searches through the horrid building, finding the pharmacist, the empty first-aid kit, the notes and recordings of soldiers long since dead, her chest aching at their lost memories, she knows she'll never forgive them.

But Ellie is a survivor and she moves on, ignoring her rage and fury to look for the supplies Joel needs - and she ignores the thought of him bleeding to death in that store without her there to ease his passing somehow, to offer what comfort she can give as he leaves her all alone with only a horse to offer her comfort in return.

Ellie is a survivor. And she's good at moving on.

So she forges on despite those horrible thoughts, kills the Stalkers and Clickers and Runners in her path, and takes a leap of faith, grabbing on for dear life when the helicopter shifts threateningly at her sudden weight. Her fingers grip the leg of a seat so tightly that they ache from it, her knuckles bone-white from the strength of her grip, and she squeezes her eyes shut as she gathers herself, inhaling deeply before opening her eyes and pulling herself up, using the seat as leverage. And when her eyes fall on the first-aid kit set next to the dead pilot, she scrambles forward and snatches it up, opening it with bated breath, tears pricking her eyes when she sees its contents.

Ellie clutches it to her chest and allows her tears to fall - maybe it'll be okay now.

And she takes a second to catch her breath, which is stupid when there are so many things out to kill her - Infected and those men - but she can only handle so much.

But once she's ready, she stuffs the first-aid kit into her backpack and jumps out of the helicopter, making her way back to Joel with a single-minded determination, eliminating anything - Infected or otherwise - that gets in her way.

And when it's all said and done - her hands stained with more than just Joel's blood now - Ellie can't bring herself to regret it.

* * *

They can't stay in the mall forever - it's not safe and, now that she's patched Joel up as much as she can with what little supplies she's managed to find, there's no reason for them to - so she leaves Joel and Callus alone in the store one last time, returning with a sled large enough to hold Joel and a long strip of rope.

Callus is patient with her as she ties the end of the rope to the front of his saddle - she'll have to sit on it, but that's worth being able to keep an eye on it - and she pats his necks appreciatively, burying her face in his mane, allowing herself a few short moments before forcing herself upright, turning to Joel once more, tying the rope around him and the sled - she doesn't want him to fall off.

She checks her knots with a few strong tugs before she's satisfied with them, certain they'll hold. And it's with relief that she climbs onto Callus' back and silently rides out of the haunted mall.

But, in her haste to leave, she'd forgotten about the Infected city outside - and she's left with two options: travel deeper into the city or risk the woods. And Ellie knows she really only has the one, so she swallows her fear and turns Callus away from the city, trekking into the woods with only her heartbeat and the steady crunch of snow under Callus' hooves as company.

Eventually, it grows dark again and the shadows of the forest begin to creep and Callus begins to become restless, so she slides off of Callus’ back, checks on Joel, and takes the lead, illuminating their way with her flashlight. And it's risky to keep going in this dark, but she can't stop yet. The forest isn't safe or dependable, and she isn't setting up camp out here - and maybe it's because she's scared of the snapping twigs that aren't a result of her or Callus and if her fingers tremble around the handle of her flashlight -- well, that's her business and there's no one here to see it but her.

So she leads them on, picking their path as carefully as she can in this dark, incredibly thankful that her flashlight is so strong. And the noises in the dark still make her flinch, but the longer she's exposed to it, the more she can ignore it. And it seems the same for Callus as well.

She finds shelter - a cabin in the woods, cleared of any trees with one exit and thickly boarded windows, easily defendable but a danger if they get trapped inside - and so she leads Callus to a tree nearby, tying him to it so he won't run off if he gets nervous once more. And then Ellie inhales deeply, ignores the tremble of her fingers around the handle of her switchblade and climbs inside, dropping down from a hole in the roof. 

And when she returns to Callus, she wipes the Infected blood off of her face with the edge of the blanket underneath his saddle and gently guides him inside, past the cooling bodies of the Clickers and the Stalker that'd nearly taken a bite out of her neck. She ignores her raw nerves and relieves him of his load, pulling Joel on the sled - she leaves him on it, she's too scared to move him.

She leaves Joel hidden behind a few boxes, grateful for the barricade, and drags the Infected corpses out of the cabin and away from Joel - she doesn't know how long it takes for them to begin leaking spores and she doesn't want to risk it; she's immune, and Joel isn't. And once that's done, she returns to the cabin and takes the ratty curtains off of the windows and places them over the blood pools left by the Infected corpses - she can't _risk_ it, she has to cover all of her bases. So she does what she can to protect Joel from possible Infection - be it normal infection or the cordyceps.

She does all she can. And she can only do so much.

But she can do enough.

She returns to Joel and pushes his sled against a wall, breaking a wooden chair on the floor, using the broken bits to start a fire - set as close to Joel as she dares, what if the sled catches fire? - rocks set around it, preventing it from spreading. And then she settles down next to Joel, gripping the blanket wrapped around him in one hand, keeping him as warm as she can, while clutching his rifle to her body tightly with the other, so tight that her fingers don't have the room to tremble anymore.

Ellie doesn't sleep.

* * *

When morning comes, she smothers the fires and ties Joel to Callus’ saddle again and climbs onto his back, confident in the morning light - he doesn’t need her to lead him along now - and grateful to be leaving the still death of the cabin. And maybe she pushes Callus a little too hard, but she just wants to get out of this forest - who knows what’s living inside? how many Infected? Clickers? Bloaters? there are too many variables. 

But Callus is patient with her and he gets her and Joel out of the forest in record time - only a few hours of traveling. And she’s so grateful. She buries her face in his mane and even though tears never solve anything she still lets them fall.

Callus catches them all.

But Ellie can’t spend all day crying and traveling - they can’t keep moving indefinitely; eventually, they’ll have to find permanent shelter. So she picks her head up and she follows what Joel would call a back road until she comes across a town - a nice, empty town untouched by the horrors of the world -- a ghost town: the first she’s ever seen.

And she’s so excited that she twists in her saddle and faces Joel, ignoring the pang in her chest at his shivering, whimpering form - he’s been so quiet lately; he’d been so loud when she was stitching him back up that she’d been forced to gag him lest he attract unwanted attention. This silence isn’t wanted - she almost misses the screams because at least then he was strong enough to make them then and now he isn’t and that’s -- scary.

“Hey, Joel,” she says, her breath clouding in front of her face, a mist of white, “guess what I just found? It’s a town, Joel, an entire fucking town! And yeah, I know I should scout it out first and I will, but still! This is pretty fucking big.”

He doesn’t say anything and she deflates. Ellie grips Callus’ reigns tight enough that her fingers cramp and smiles shakily.

“I think you’ll like it,” she says to no one at all.

And the ghost town isn’t too far from the cabin, so she retraces her steps and leaves Callus and Joel in the relative safety of the building, leaving them all alone - and _defenseless_ \- as she leaves to go scout the town on her own -- she can’t risk leaving them on the outer edges, what if there is Infected inside? what if there’s Infected outside? At least they’re safe at the cabin - as safe as anyone can be in this cruel world.

It takes her far longer than a few hours to reach the town and by the time she gets there, it’s dark and foreboding, the shadows cast by the waning moon setting her on edge. But she forges on and she systematically goes through every building in the still town despite her shaking fingers and her quick breaths - and it’s all clear, completely untouched just as it had looked on the outside, free of any evidence of Infected -- there aren’t even any bloodstains; it’s as if the people living here simply vanished into thin air.

And it’s so dark outside when she’s done that she’s tempted to just hole up in one of the houses and wait until morning. But she can’t. She can’t leave Callus and Joel alone in that cabin, waiting for an Infected to come along and rip them both to shreds. So she clips her flashlight to her backpack and hefts the hunting rifle on her shoulder, creeping back to her two companions as quickly as she dares in this low visibility. And when she makes it back, the sky is lightening so she simply ties Joel back to Callus and returns to the town, ignoring the burning in her eyes when she blinks and the weight of her limbs, forcing herself to keep moving because she can’t stop now.

She picks the house closest to the edge of the town and farthest from the patch of woods they’ve just left. And there’s another patch of woods just behind it for them to flee into if they have to. And she chooses the basement as her camp, but she can’t bring Callus inside with her and Joel, regrettably leaving him in the garage - she keeps the door to the garage open just in case he’d like to stay in the living room, but she keeps the shed door closed with a blanket along the edge to help keep the cold out - as she slides Joel down the stairs as gently and smoothly as she can - but she’s too tired to be as careful as she wants, so he’s jostled quite a bit. 

And it’s not perfect, but she’s barricaded the front door so there’s only one exit now - the shed - so it’s as easily defendable as she can get it. And, if she really needs to, she can leave Joel inside and draw any potential threats away - hopefully without Callus being put at risk. She knows, however, that she won’t be able to make a quick escape. She won’t be able to get Joel out of here fast enough to allow for that - and he’s already too vulnerable being dragged along by his sled.

She takes what she needs from Joel’s backpack - he’s better at scavenging than she is - and bolsters what little defenses they have -- she sets nailbombs outside the exits and plants a few molotov cocktails inside the house, knowing Joel will be safe inside the stone basement. She saves what little she can and returns what she didn’t end up using, but it’s far less than what she’d started with. And she feels guilty for using their supplies up, but she knows this is what Joel would do in her situation - she’ll just have to gather more if she can. 

She checks their food supplies - kept in her backpack - and pales at how little they have left - it’s only been a few days - her heart plummeting to her empty stomach. She’d known this would happen eventually, but she hadn’t expected it to happen so _soon_ . She braces herself and inhales deeply, rationing out the food they have left - enough to last for at least two more days - before taking Joel’s bow - _“I’m a pretty good shot with that thing!”_ \- testing it out before throwing it over her shoulder, stashing the arrows in her backpack.

She picks herself up, ignoring her aching knees and eyes and hangs back at the door, staring at Joel with sad eyes. She forces a smile on her face and wipes at her tired eyes. She sighs. 

“I’m gonna go see if I can’t scrounge up some food,” she tells him, her voice weaker than she’d like, adjusting the strap of her backpack. She hesitates. “I’ll be back. Don’t…..don’t die, okay?”

She turns her back on him and walks out of the door, ignoring the pit in her stomach.

Her hands no longer shake.

  
  


* * *

  
  


Every day, she thinks he'll be dead when she gets back.

* * *

She doesn't know how much longer she can keep this up.

She's always been terrified of being alone.

And now she is.

And she almost can't handle it.

* * *

On day seven, she comes back and he's mumbling in his fevered sleep, muttering, his eyes flickering underneath his eyelids. And she sets aside her latest kill - a thin bird - and kneels down next to him, ringing out the bandages she'd left to soak in melted snow, laying them on the broken washing machine to dry as she takes the old ones on his wound - red, inflamed, almost purple it's so dark - dabbing away at the blood still weakly oozing from the sutures -- and how can he still be bleeding? it's been seven days. how much blood can he lose? how much does he have left? -- with a cloth designated just for this. Then she replaces the bandages with dry ones - she's been cycling through what little they have, cleaning and reusing them as much as she dares - wrapping them around his middle as tightly as she can, desperate to stem the flow of blood still beading along the stitches.

And if he talks, she doesn't listen - she's heard it all before, Tess, Tommy, _Sarah._

She's tired of listening.

He's never said her name.

* * *

He wakes up once and she crashes to her knees, placing her hands on his face, holding him still, but his eyes are dazed with his fever and she knows he isn't really looking at her.

And if he says Sarah's name and she answers - well, there's no one there to stop her, is there?

She selfishly takes what little comfort she can.

* * *

"Aw, man, Joel, you won't believe what I found today! A fucking stream - unfrozen, Joel, unfrozen! Fresh water - can you believe it? No more melted fucking snow!"

He never answers.

"Man, you're such a downer."

She's alone now.

"Well, I'm excited."

But it's not new. She's always been alone.

* * *

She pretends to be Sarah more than once.

* * *

On the tenth day, he stops eating and it becomes apparent that he needs medication. And she doesn't have any. She can't give him the medical care he needs.

All she can do is change his bandages, place a wet cloth on his forehead and play a daughter long dead.

She begins wondering if it'd be better to give up.

One day, Ellie thinks she'll return to a corpse.

* * *

"Hey, Joel, do you think you can eat this for me? Please?"

* * *

Ellie doesn't stop trying.

* * *

She rarely sleeps.

* * *

On day twelve, she leaves to hunt - like she's done every day - and risks going deeper into the forest than she'd ever dared before, fueled by desperation and despair. 

And when she finds and hunts down a deer, running it dead in an old mining site, she could almost weep from relief - this'll be enough to last them weeks - but then she's interrupted by people - two unknowns. And maybe she's a little hostile - even after they fought together, but he had threatened her, _threatened_ Joel - but she feels she's justified.

Once the medicine is in her hands, she kills both of them and begins the long task of bringing the deer back to their camp.

Ellie is a survivor. And she's good at moving on.

* * *

On day thirteen, Joel wakes up.

And maybe she cries, but that's okay because she isn't alone anymore.

And Joel is there and he catches her tears in his shirt, his arms tight around her shaking shoulders.

"Shhh, it's okay, it's okay," he says hoarsely, his voice barely a croak, but it's there and it's the most comforting sound she's ever heard, "it's okay, baby girl, I'm here. I'm here."

**Author's Note:**

> check out my server: [spicy hot takes!](https://discord.gg/UBpDYdQ)
> 
> and yell at me on tumblr: [iwishihadbrain.](https://iwishihadbrain.tumblr.com/)


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